so kiss me and smile for me

i wish i could carry your smile in my heart, for times when my life seems so low...

bruised and battered till it hurts. i really felt spoilt (the bad term) now. my mind is overloaded with stuff.. it's the feeling that your mind is telling you to do this, this, this, this but your physical self cannot coordinate in time with the instructions your brain is sending. thus, the result of doing things wrong, getting things screwed up, forgetting to do this and that... sigh.

sometimes, i SERIOUSLY don't understand how can i be this stupid? it's like he has repeated so many times, yet, i couldn't freaking remember and get it right. it's like my brains are out to rebel him lar. goodness. i'm really torn.

i feel seriously ashamed to face him. to think he handed so much responsibility in my hands (no matter is he left with no choice or he really believes in me) and yet, i still get things screwed up. i seriously do not know what the hell is wrong with me. muz i get scolded to feel good? muz i wait for him to correct me before i can really see the mistake?

personally, he went over my limit today. he was like shooting vulgarities when he didn't even get the whole picture clear. and when i highlight the point again, he blames it on me for not being precise but it was him who was too worked up to listen. today, for the first time in history, i actually want to scold somebody the F word. can u imagine he can alrd make me so fuming mad over the msn? i cannot imagine if he's there in real life. so you can imagine he must be really power for me to want to spew vulgarities at him.

whenever he nags at me, at that point in time, i was really angry. but when i actually cool off on my own.. i realised that it was really my fault. i could've done better.. i could've avoided a lot of stuff.. yet i fail to see that. he was always so true with his words that sometimes, it hurt so badly.

but then again, at the end of each day, i felt that he was really nice to me. though he uses vulgarities in front of me, it was never directed at me like how he scold some people straight in the face using the F word and what nots. he even called me from overseas to pacify me and ask me to bear with his fustrations today.. still ask me to cheer up and was doing very well alrd. i was like so touched i can cry. i mean for a person like him and i was mainly at fault (most of the time anyways). all the more i feel ashamed to face him. like why can't i get it right for him? for all that he has provided and taught me.. why can't i just get things done correctly for him??? omg.

the new manager is coming in soon anyway.. the rightful one i'll be under. i do not know if this is a good thing. cos though the stress, i felt that i could really learn from him. he's the main reason why i stayed in the company anyways. because i felt that other than under him.. i couldn't really achieve much.

yeah.. it's this love-hate relationship with him. i really don't know abt my future with this company anymore. it's blurred and contradicted. sigh.

pardon me for this extra long post.

JAC.jac

- 1:30 AM