so kiss me and smile for me

it was the first time that a black friday actually took its toll on me. so my friday the 13th was a pretty bad one. full of emotional turbulences and wad nots.

sigh.. i guess i really have to wake up man. i was like in a trance for a very, very long time. in a deep, deep slumber.. as if i was being run on automation mode. i was juz supposed to be there at this time, doing this, this, this. but for wad.. i do not know.

that's all going to change now. i don't want to waste my life away living in a dream and when it comes to an end, i reflected back and had this major regret that i didn't take my life seriously enough. i didn't do enough. for one, i hate wasting time; so i definitely do not want to waste my life away.

i guess i'm still lucky enough. even though my manager keeps lashing out at me.. but i have so many other colleagues who are being really nice & supportive. sometimes, they make me so bipolar.. cos i'm like fuming after talking to him and when i go back to my desk to see what they pm me.. i want to laugh. they really took all efforts to make me feel better. even outside of work, there are people whom i can talk to.

and at the end of the day, i really feel that though he always show his fustrations onto me.. he actually really wants me to do well. i can feel the expectations he had on me is because he really wants to teach me.

& coming to think of it. after talking with wen, yi jian and glad abt it.. i really come to put myself in his shoes. i realized for the 1st time that i was really being rubbish. i seriously am "sleeping" when i'm doing my work for him. i am becoming the person i hate to cooperate with during school time projects. and all because i feel intimidated by him.. that i want too much to excel but didn't put in half the effort.

i came to realise that if i were him.. i'd scold myself silly too.. maybe even twice as hard.. knowing the high expectations i always set upon myself.

i dunno how am i going to do it.. but i think i really have to wake up. i have to start treating what i am doing as "adult" and everything comes with a responsibility. like what my colleagues always say.. i'm still in a schooling mode and it's time to snap out of it. i can't behave like how i want to anymore. i'm no longer young and protected.

so from now on, i'm going psych myself up. i will no longer take offence on wad he said as being unreasonable.. in fact, he has become a motivator for me. i want to do better juz because i want to show him that i can.

& i can.

JAC.jac

- 11:22 PM