so kiss me and smile for me

so many emotions running through me at the same time right now. how can i say it? it's a secret i'm trying very hard to keep and shrugging it off.. but it keeps coming back. like an annoying flu bug that wouldn't leave me alone and making me feel very terrible.

i know what is the right thing to do. i so know it. but my mind couldn't control my heart 99% of the time. my mind would keep telling my heart that it's ok to let myself indulge in this kind of unhealthy feelings.. as long as i can keep everything under the surface.

i'm sick and tired. i'm sick of trying to believe in something when everybody is destroying it at full cost. i'm sick of the feeling in my heart as to which emotion should be the one i should be following. should i trust my gut's instinct? should i believe in the facts? what should i do?

i really think i should stop complicating my own life. stop ruining it. all these while, i've built my happiness on people. i rely on people to give me happiness, to give me a sense of fulfilment. i'm always trying to live up to somebody's expectations and set it as my own goal. it's time to move on.

but how do i really do it without juz saying it and forget about actioning on it? eeerrhhh. i'm really vexed over all the emotions surging up all at once. i'm confused. am i feeling jealous? but i don't think so. am i supressing all the feelings and trying to put a happy facade that is too good to be true? i dunno.

what i am really feeling? what do i really want??? i wish i wouldn't be such an idiot in my emotions. i wish my love life will be sooo much less complicating. urgh. disgusted.

i need the break to sort things out. i hope i can put things in the right place when i'm back.

alcohol IS really too powerful.

sigh.

JAC.jac

- 12:25 AM