so kiss me and smile for me

& so.. after going one cycle.. tomorrow marks the end of a joke i started a year ago.

well.. it's a joke considering the situation i'm facing. but i can say that i didn't waste this year away.

it's funny between me and kitty now. somehow, i feel that he knows that i'm quite adament on leaving this time.. i haven't hand in my resignation as i'm waiting for tomorrow to come.. however, i feel that he "dare" not ask me about it.. like somehow, hoping that i'll forget or just saying on the spur of the moment the other day. he's treating me well today.. somehow like threading on thin ice.

but after much calculation on my side.. even if i don't wish to leave.. i think i have to. i will have no time to cope with studies, tuition and work at the same time. i've been much of a cash machine for the past year.. and i can't continue like that if studying is coming into my life. too much.

on the other hand.. as much as i want to brush my fears away.. i think the commitment phobia is starting to eat into me. slowly but steadily, it's creeping in. i'm a relationship destroyer.. and i'm so afraid that i'll screw it up.. again. i guess my last relationship did leave me a lil' scarred. those remarks, arguements and cold wars.

if this post seems a lil' too emotional.. it's prolly the article which i've read a while ago - about opportunities and missing them.

it's true that sometimes, when we hold on too tightly to some un-important things, we might end up losing thing that really matter to us.

i think that's the case for my job. i'm holding on too tightly to it now though i'm not happy here anymore. i'm so afraid that if i let this go, i might sink. however, who's to know what is to come if i don't let go of this?

i think i need some time back to catch up on doing all my favourite things. it's sad how work kills away all your time and zaps up all your energy isn't it? it's like even if you have the time to continue doing what you like, but u'll feel so drain after a day's work.

sigh.

it's been such a looooong time since i went for a good cycle along the beach.
it's been such a looooong time since i finish reading a book (can u imagine that!)
it's been such a looooong time since i even wrote anything at all
it's been such a looooong time since i attempt baking anything
it's been such a looooong time since i last catch up with some friends

i guess leaving is really for the better this time.

anybody up for a holiday trip???? i want to go for one before my school starts end July!!

JAC.jac

- 10:43 PM